Part 2 - Long time coming...

Over that next week, between the stress of Mom's illness, being away from Mark and the kids, staying around the clock at the hospital, and the continual bad news arriving, I really didn't know how much more could go wrong or how much more I could stand. "God never give you more than you can handle" quickly becomes a quote that is continually going through my head.

Mom had a very good attitude towards the whole situation, but I still don't know if she fully grasp what was going on. She was down playing it well, like it was no big deal. (can anyone say "denial"?) The "C" word was never spoken. The results started rolling in, biopsy from colon is maligant, biopsy from breast is maligant, etc, etc, etc. Everything was maligant. But there was more.... are we dealing with one kind of cancer (breast) or two kinds of cancer (breast, and liver)? You probably think, "What's the difference?", but the difference lies in how it would/could be treated. We would later find out that is was all breast cancer that had spread, and I do mean spread.....both breast, liver, colon, bones, it seemed to be everywhere.

In prep for surgery, it was discovered that she was low on blood and iron, so she was given two units of blood and a unit of iron. Boy did she perk up then!!

Surgery was scheduled for that Friday to remove the mass in her colon. All went well, not taking any longer than initially thought, but definitely gave us all a different outlook on what was to come. Slowly, she was introduced to liquids, and finally soft solid foods. It was a slow process tho. Trying to get everything back in working order, and get her strength up so she could go home.

We would learn that the cancer was hormone fed, so Mom began a regimen of hormone blockers, hoping this would slow, possibly even shrink the remaining tumors. For me, learning that the cancer was hormone based was huge. You see, my mom had taken birth control pills, every day, until just a few years prior. Yes, she was in her 60's and still taking birth control!! Crazy, I know, but she was told by an old school doctor that it wouldn't hurt and her periods would eventually stop and she could stop taking them then. I had been on her for YEARS to get off them, and she wouldn't listen....

It was also during this recovery period in the hospital, when just she and I were there alone, that I asked, "Mom, why didn't you ever go to the doctor for your checkups?" (You see, I had been asking her for years if she was, and her response was "Yup, Yup... I'm fine..I'm fine.") She very plainly stated that "I didn't want to know." End of story.... My thoughts were all over the board...some I vocalized with her...."how come you told me you were going" - "I didn't want you to worry"..... and then there were others that I couldn't hardly bare- "how could she be so self-fish"..."how could she NOT want to know"..."how could she lie to me about it".... and the list goes on and on.

After being released from the hospital, Mom went home and began to recooperate. Shortly thereafter she returned to work, part-time.....she loved to work!! (this too would become even more effident towards the end)

In April she returned to the oncologist, and it was decided to try the hormone blockers for another month. If chemo could be avoid, then it would be much better for her. By the end of April - beginning of May, it was determined that the hormone blockers weren't working, so chemo would commence.

Mom began chemo, going once a week. Summer begins to pass. Mom is feeling well, for the most part. Looking good, considering. She had lost close to 30 lbs, but was pleased with that. Eating better, making healthier food choices. Still pretty weak, but, like I said, doing well all things considered. Had to have more blood, which concerned me, but when I asked, she told me it was normal....hmmmm?

Summer turns to fall. Still doing well. Visiting on the phone at least once a week, if not more often. Getting together every time they are at the Lake. But she seems to me to be growing weaker. Just about to finish her first 16 weeks of chemo, so I'm thinking she probably is wore out...

Next comes, another marking point, at least for me..... Sat, Oct 8th. There is a benefit for Carli's friends mom, (who had also recently been diagnosed with Stage 4 Breast Cancer) in Monroe City. Carli wants to go, but not alone. Now mind you that I have never met her friend, her friend's mom, etc., but since she wanted to go, I told her I would go with her. Upon looking at Diane's timeline of illness, and diagnoses; I am stunned!! It's so very similar to Mom's. (Coincidence... I think not. God's Plan..definitely!) I decided that I must meet her and talk with her, which I do. (Btw, Diane is still doing well, just recently started chemo herself).

On the way home, we decide to stop at the condo and see Mom and Dad. It's evening, around 7p.m. or so. Dad answers the door, Mom is getting ready for bed, she's hasn't felt well, been sick to her stomach, very weak. The girls and I go back to the bedroom to see her. She's sitting on the edge of the bed, definitely not feeling well. Now the girls haven't seen her as much as I have over the summer, but immediately, (I can tell by the look on Carli's face), they can tell something is off.

We continue to visit, but Mom is so tired that she has to lay down, can't sit up.... (okay....now I'm officially REALLY worried!) She is trying to find something, she keeps insisting it's in her purse, we look there, nope.. five seconds later, can you look in my purse, I can't find such and such and I'm sure its in my purse...look in the purse, nope.... another five seconds later.... and it goes on and on. I head down the hall way to have a talk with Dad, "She's just tired, been sick to her stomach today, but she's ok."

Sorry to do this, but I really need to stop. I apologize for this being so long. Thanks for reading, and I hope to post more soon.

Christ's love to you all -

Susan

It's been a long time coming...

Have had alot on my mind lately.....some just ramdon thougths, others that I am actually putting into action. I am probably going to be rambling along, but this entry has been a long time coming. Some things I am not yet ready to put into words.. others I can't seem to hold in any longer. I like to journal, but hate to write therefore I am typing. Much better and faster!

I seem to be struck lately by the passing of time. Yeah, I know that there are 365 days in most years, 24 hours in a day, etc, etc, etc, but I still can't grasp how so much time can pass without really noticing.

Yesterday, I began thinking of where I was a little over a year ago and all that has transpired since then. What would be the start of one of the most difficult times in my life. It has been a very long, hard year, but I am determined to come out of this funk this year and be a stronger, more faithful person. I feel that I have begun a journey to find myself again....(although I didn't really know until recently that I had lost myself..lol)

This post, along with others that should follow, are not going to be easy for me... I am not good at sharing what I feel, but I know that I have to express myself some way. Just these few paragraphs have already started the tears rolling down my face, if that give you an idea how difficult this is for me. (But please know that I am not looking for pity, sympathy, etc.... just some understanding.)

So, to get things started, I will start towards the end.....

Last year, on October 23, 2011, I lost my mom. She passed of Stage 4 breast cancer. She had no idea that she was sick, and frankly, I don't think she wanted to know. Some 18 years ago, we lost her parents, both to cancer within 6 months of each other. My grandmother had battled breast cancer for more than a decade, going into remission once only for it to return with a vengance. My grandfather cared for her, and once she passed, I feel he was ready to go be with her in Heaven. She passed in the fall, and by spring, we knew that my grandfather had prostrate cancer, and he passed within a few weeks of diagnoses. Given the struggles my mother witnessed with my grandmother (her mother), I truly believe that she didn't want to ever go through that, so chose not to have regular checkups. One of her favorite says.. "If it ain't broke, don't fix it!" This definitely cannot be applied to ones health.

Mom actually became ill in early March of last year. When she finally told me she wasn't feeling well, she had been sick for almost 3 weeks. She had seen her local physician, and upon not getting better, he wanted to investigate further. Mom was scheduled for a CT scan for "next week". She couldn't keep any food down, barely keeping liquids down, and was losing weight and strength daily. My response to the "next week" CT was, "why wait?" Get to the hospital and find out what is going on.

Seeing that she wasn't improving, Dad took her to the hospital on Sat morn, March 19 and called me to let me know that she was admitted, obviously dehydrated, with tests pending (it was a weekend, you know.) Not wanting me to drive to KC in the rain, Mom insisted I wait to come to the hospital.

By Sun morning they were performing a Colonscopy to see what was going on. I arrived at the hospital in KC early afternoon, and it was not good. As we would soon learn, Mom's colon was almost completely blocked explaining why she couldn't keep anything down. She need surgery to remove the mass, but first had to get her strength built up.

So over the course of the next week, we soon began to cringe every time the doctor would walk into her room. They just kept finding more things wrong. "We have found a spot on your breast... You need a mammogram.... There's another spot on your other breast... You need a biospy... There are spots on your liver.... Your colon biospy is maligant... Your bone scans shows signs of damage".... and it just went on and on.

Okay, sorry to do this, but I need a break....
Will post more later, if your interested.

Christ's love to you all -

Susan

Just getting started

Ok, here we go! Please hang with me while I try to figure this out. I am new to the blogging thing, but would really like to try it. May take me a while to get the page set up, but I am sure I will eventually figure it out. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Have recently visited several family and friends blogs and think they are a really neat way to keep up with everyone, especially since we are all spread out over a large area. Don't get to see everyone in person as often as we would like to, but hopefully this will be a way for us to keep up and in touch.

So..... here we go!!