Have had alot on my mind lately.....some just ramdon thougths, others that I am actually putting into action. I am probably going to be rambling along, but this entry has been a long time coming. Some things I am not yet ready to put into words.. others I can't seem to hold in any longer. I like to journal, but hate to write therefore I am typing. Much better and faster!
I seem to be struck lately by the passing of time. Yeah, I know that there are 365 days in most years, 24 hours in a day, etc, etc, etc, but I still can't grasp how so much time can pass without really noticing.
Yesterday, I began thinking of where I was a little over a year ago and all that has transpired since then. What would be the start of one of the most difficult times in my life. It has been a very long, hard year, but I am determined to come out of this funk this year and be a stronger, more faithful person. I feel that I have begun a journey to find myself again....(although I didn't really know until recently that I had lost myself..lol)
This post, along with others that should follow, are not going to be easy for me... I am not good at sharing what I feel, but I know that I have to express myself some way. Just these few paragraphs have already started the tears rolling down my face, if that give you an idea how difficult this is for me. (But please know that I am not looking for pity, sympathy, etc.... just some understanding.)
So, to get things started, I will start towards the end.....
Last year, on October 23, 2011, I lost my mom. She passed of Stage 4 breast cancer. She had no idea that she was sick, and frankly, I don't think she wanted to know. Some 18 years ago, we lost her parents, both to cancer within 6 months of each other. My grandmother had battled breast cancer for more than a decade, going into remission once only for it to return with a vengance. My grandfather cared for her, and once she passed, I feel he was ready to go be with her in Heaven. She passed in the fall, and by spring, we knew that my grandfather had prostrate cancer, and he passed within a few weeks of diagnoses. Given the struggles my mother witnessed with my grandmother (her mother), I truly believe that she didn't want to ever go through that, so chose not to have regular checkups. One of her favorite says.. "If it ain't broke, don't fix it!" This definitely cannot be applied to ones health.
Mom actually became ill in early March of last year. When she finally told me she wasn't feeling well, she had been sick for almost 3 weeks. She had seen her local physician, and upon not getting better, he wanted to investigate further. Mom was scheduled for a CT scan for "next week". She couldn't keep any food down, barely keeping liquids down, and was losing weight and strength daily. My response to the "next week" CT was, "why wait?" Get to the hospital and find out what is going on.
Seeing that she wasn't improving, Dad took her to the hospital on Sat morn, March 19 and called me to let me know that she was admitted, obviously dehydrated, with tests pending (it was a weekend, you know.) Not wanting me to drive to KC in the rain, Mom insisted I wait to come to the hospital.
By Sun morning they were performing a Colonscopy to see what was going on. I arrived at the hospital in KC early afternoon, and it was not good. As we would soon learn, Mom's colon was almost completely blocked explaining why she couldn't keep anything down. She need surgery to remove the mass, but first had to get her strength built up.
So over the course of the next week, we soon began to cringe every time the doctor would walk into her room. They just kept finding more things wrong. "We have found a spot on your breast... You need a mammogram.... There's another spot on your other breast... You need a biospy... There are spots on your liver.... Your colon biospy is maligant... Your bone scans shows signs of damage".... and it just went on and on.
Okay, sorry to do this, but I need a break....
Will post more later, if your interested.
Christ's love to you all -
Susan
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